Happiness, I think, is both transitory and absolutely necessary. And, as a mother of a rambunctious  pre-schooler. and also in the midst  of some unknown health problem that completely saps my energy, I’m trending a little bit down in my happiness. (You can only say “no” to a pre-schooler so many times before you wish your head would just fall off.) At the same time, I have these fabulous moments of pure joy, like when we realized that Baby Man can read a few words or write his name, or when finishing a big project, or even just when my husband hugs me.

What I would love to do is find a way to bring more happiness into my life. Not necessarily those moments of pure joy, but just sort of a low level of happiness and contentment that is always with me. And, wouldn’t you know, I found the perfect post on Tiny Buddha.

What it comes down to is finding out where I am happy, what I am doing when I am happy, and what makes me unhappy. Some things I can’t change. Baby Man is a pre-schooler, and they are difficult to deal with sometimes, but I can try to change the way I deal with him. As for other things, well, I guess I have my work cut out for me.

You see, the first Nobel Truth of Buddhism is “Life is Suffering”. I just couldn’t buy into that, since I found my life to be happy and relatively free of suffering on the whole. But, recently I came across a few different explanations of this “suffering”. The one that hit home is that suffering was the feeling of trying to hold on to things as they are, of denying the impermanence of the world, or the desire to stop change. And, as if I really needed the lesson taught to me, this past week has shown me very clearly what this type of suffering is like. There are small things and big things happening right now, changes that I wish wouldn’t come: the little man’s allergy being confirmed, a neighbour’s sister being given at most months to live after fighting her cancer for so long, a favourite local store closing. While they are obviously not all of the same level, they do all bring change, and with that change comes my desire to keep things as they were before.

I think I can understand now how life is suffering, to a certain degree. It is a suffering we bring upon ourselves by trying to hold on to something that is no longer there. Reaching and making changes os good, but trying to hold on only brings sorrow.

There are a lot of comments I could make about this data. However, I’ll limit my comments to the obvious difference between the opinions of Canadians and Americans. Truthfully, it is very gratifying to see that. We have a much different relationship with religion up here. It generally isn’t an issue in our elections, or even when it comes to personal relationships. I think most Canadians believe that religion is a private thing, and that good people do good regardless of their chosen spiritual path.

That obviously isn’t the point Ipsos Reid was trying to make, nor do I think it is what most people will take away from this poll. Ipsos Reid conducted the poll as part of the lead up to a debate happening here in Toronto tonight. Former British prime minister Tony Blair and writer Christopher Hitchens will debating this very point; that is, if religion is a force for good in our world. Given that Hitchens is the author of God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything, it is no surprise that he will be arguing that religion is not a force for good.  Blair, on the other hand, believes that religion promotes respect and understanding. (For more about the debate and the debaters, head over to the CBC News website.)

Where do I stand on this question? Well, I’m of two minds. (Surely, that isn’t surprising.) Right now I would say I’m in the middle of a crisis of faith. I have finally admitted to myself that the religion I have professed to follow for the past fifteen or sixteen years is no longer the right religion for me. And while I do see the merits of atheism, I still feel a deep need to find the right spiritual path for me.  I do think that religion is a force of good for people at a personal level, but perhaps not at a worldwide level. Until all religions teach tolerance for all people, religions will lead to strife.

I also wish fun, tricks, and treats for you on this day of joy and sadness.

There are some early signs of fall to be seen on the trees and bushes. Berries have already started growing:

The maple trees are full of keys:

And there is even a hint of two of fall colours to be seen if you look hard enough:

In a about a week the sumac will turn that lovely fiery red. Soon after that it will be time to bring out the long pants, and I’m sure that in less than two months, I’ll be wishing that we had the heat turned on. In the midst of the summer heat, or the winter cold, it can feel like everything is standing still, but if you look around at nature and really pay attention, the next season is already making itself read.

I will freely admit that I don’t often celebrate the Sabbats, other than in a very private way. There will be no special meal today, no games or eggs for Baby Man. This is partly because I always forgot until the very day, partly because I’m the only one who cares, and partly because I gave blood today and am in no shape to do much of anything. (I’m happy a pizza made it into the oven tonight and that we didn’t have to resort to take-out.)

I wonder sometimes if I am being untruthful by saying I am Wiccan and yet not really celebrating the Sabbats. But, on reflection, I don’t think I am. There is more to following a spiritual path than celebrating the special days. It is about living the tenants of your faith everyday. Do I succeed in that? Not always, but I do my best.

On the surface, all of these books seem to be saying something different.  Do I need to stop complaining to be happy, or do I need to give up want, or do I need to realize I am a goddess?  Well, yes.  The way I see it is if we recognize the divine in ourself, really honestly recognize it, than the other things come naturally.

Think about this: do the gods complain?  No, they go out and change what is bothering them.  Do the gods want? No, because everything and nothing belongs to them.

Okay, we obviously don’t live our lives that way, even the most centered and divinely aware of us.  So, what does that mean for happiness?  For me it means finding a balance, being the change I want to see (as Ghandi says), and knowing at a deep level that the Buddhist teachings are true, like suffering is caused by cravings.  (That has been a big theme in my life lately.)

I’m not sure I am completely in a place in my life to enact the changes I want to make.  Having a toddler in my life makes some things very difficult.  I start the day intending to practice equanimity, but then he accidentally bats on the knee with a chopstick and I begin to lose my temper.  (Hey, it really does hurt a lot.  Baby Man is a strong boy.)  But that doesn’t mean I give up.  I try to reset myself, which is easier some days than others, and move on.  It is important to me to model a way of life that I would like to see my son lead.

Like everyone, I want to find happiness.  I want to find a balance between want, need, and detachment. I want to know at the deepest level that I am special, and that everyone around me is too.  Day to day life gets in the way a lot, but that means I also need to remember that it is in day to day life that I most need to practise these things.

Does this mean I’m dissatisfied, or looking to re-evaluate my faith or, all the gods forbid, give up  knitting and cross stitch?  Nope.  It means that I’m coming to terms with the fact that there are only so many hours in the day and there is only so much I can do without burning myself out.  Right now, Baby Man, housework (ick) and my hobbies are the most important things.  They keep me going.  I’d love to go back to meditation and the like, but then I’d have to let something else drop.

What I want to do–no, what I will do–when Baby Man is bigger is find a way to work my spirituality into my every day life more.  Autumn over at Owls’ Court seems to a great job of this.  Her little man is just about 4 and a half, and they seem to do a great job of recognizing the changing seasons and honouring the Sabbats. (I’m also totally jealous that she lives in the same city as Le Melange Magique.  Why doesn’t Toronto have an occult/Pagan store?)  Baby Man, on the other hand, is not quite two, and is only able to grok day and night, hot and cold.

So, if I’m not dissatisfied, why am I writing about this?  Well, I’m reading Autumn’s book The Way Of The Green Witch (book 10 for the 10 Book Reading Challenge, btw), and it is inspiring me.  It has helped me remember why I decided to follow a Pagan path.  And reading the book has helped me to think about how I can express this in the other things I do.  I’m starting to make my list of goals for 2010, and I think a few Pagan-related things will be there.

And, since so many of you now stop by for small-c crafts (rather than the big-C Craft), here is how Baby Man’s stocking looks today.  The lettering in the snow is nearly done!  Yay!  I am so tired of light and pale blue.  (The darker bands are shadows.  It is late enough in year now that the sun starts doing weird things in the afternoon.)

Naughty or Nice Stocking

Tomorrow: my first Creativ Festival class.  (I wish they would spell it “Creative” rather than “Creativ”.)  I will be taking Jennifer Aikman-Smith’s Perforated Paper Castle Ornament.  She has helpfully posted a picture of it on her blog at the bottom of this post.

Now, I really miss working with my Tarot cards, doing meditation, and all of that.  I have a couple of new decks, the Mystic Dreamer Tarot and The Anubis Oracle, that I would really love to work with.  So, I’ve been thinking about what I can do to get myself mentally back in shape.  Coincidentally, I got the book Mindful Knitting from the library on Monday.  The gist of the book is that knitting is a meditative act.  Your mind is able to rest gently on the knitting process, much like it can rest on your breathing or on a mantra.  A lot of us, I think, when knitting or cross stitching watch TV, read blogs, or whatever.  But I’ve been wondering what would happen if I just decided to knit.  Would it be as refreshing as a meditation session?

So, I think I’ve given myself a new experiment.  Maybe I can keep up my obsessive knitting and still get myself back into my old mental shape.  I’d really like to return to some of my old pursuits, and I came across a quote in Mason-Dixon Knitting that just might provide me with the drive:

No project is too ambitious if you crave the results enough.

I think that cross stitch takes too much mental energy, though.  Especially since I seem to keep picking charts with errors (I’m looking at you Once Upon a Tree!) or complicated speciality stitches.  And that’s okay.  Sometimes I think I want to just be able to mindlessly (or mindfully) knit away on a sock, but other times I want to be challenged by a great cross stitch design.  Both acts, I think, will help me mental, if I choose to use them that way.

Letters from Nora – H by Nora Corbett
Fibres: Crescent Colours and DMC
Beads: Mill Hill
Fabric: 28ct Silkweaver Solo

If you are interested in the changes I’ve made, you can find out more here.  I’m curious though, does anyone have an suggestions for the grapey-purple beads I used for the flowers?  You can see them better below.

The sock knitting goes well, although I am beginning to think that I have angered some knitting god who is in charge of colour changes.  Behold the Super Simple Short Socks by Meghan Holcomb, knit using Yarn’s Plus 3/5 Hand-Painted Tencel in colourway English Garden.

See how it started out with the green, blue and two shades of purple moving along nicely.  Now all the green and blue is on the sole and the two shades of purple are along the top of the foot (which you can’t see in this  picture).  It is a lovely colourway though.  It is sort of along the lines of Gloriana’s Victorian Garden silk, but without the yellow.  (I got some of the Gloriana in the mail the other day, which is why that comparison comes to mind.  What will I stitch with it?  I don’t remember what I bought it for… maybe Chatelaine’s Japanese Box?)  I’m glad this has no yellow in it though, since that is one of my least favourite colours.  And with the way the knitting gods are treating me, I probably would have ended up with a yellow stripe right down the top of the foot!

I’m also ploughing my way through a pile of dishcloths.  (Shhh!  That’s one of the secret gifts.  I don’t think the person who is getting them reads my blog, though.  And if she does, just pretend to be surprised and know that they take a lot longer than you would think to knit, especially when you have a toddler “helping” you.)  I’ll have pictures of them to share in a few weeks.

To close things off today, I thought I would muse a little bit about what crafting means to me as a Pagan.  I mean, this is/was a Pagan blog, even though I’m writing a lot more about my cross stitch and knitting.  So, here’s what I think: I don’t generally do Pagan-y designs.  (Although, I love, love, love Joan Elliott’s Wheel of the Year design in her latest book.)  I don’t see crafting as part of my Pagan identity.  Cross stitch and knitting are part of who I am, just like being a Wiccan is.  They are often a form of meditation, especially now that I am apt to fall asleep if I try to do a formal meditation.

I think for anyone who is part of any religion the things they do that they love, be it knitting, cooking, housework, or what-have-you, in some ways become part of their faith.  You may think on the Bible while you stitch while I meditate on the changing of the seasons and someone else puts down their needle for a few moments to say their daily prayers to Allah.  And even though we may believe different things, we can all relate to one another through our love of family and our hobbies.

And finally, a reminder that I am holding a draw.  Leave a comment on this post before midnight Sunday to be entered to win some Enchanting Lair charts, Dinky Dyes silk and a one card Tarot reading.