The Lotus Pond

I’ve start to see all of my possessions in a new light lately.  Not too long ago I saw all my cross stitch and knitting supplies (my giant stash) as representing potential. Now I see it all as demands, as things that I must do. And the amount of those things is just overwhelming. I was so happy to realize that my little guy couldn’t wear acrylic sweaters thanks to his eczema. That means I can return one sweater’s worth of yarn and give two other sweater’s worth of yarn to a friend who is a charity knitter.

Something is wrong when getting rid of yarn makes me happy.

On the other hand, I recently bought a whole bunch of DMC floss so that I would have a full set. This acquisition made me happy. Strange, no? I suspect it is because floss skeins are so much smaller than yarn skeins, so they can disappear into my stash and I can forget about them. (There is also the added benefit of being able to start projects without having to go out and buy floss.)

I think that is a big clue to how my feelings about acquiring things works. If the new things just disappear into the background (floss, books, magazines, household items, clothing), I don’t feel so bad. But if the items really stand out (books [yes, in two places], shoes, yarn, electronics), then I do feel bad. Goodness knows I don’t need more of anything, and both types of purchases increase my amount of stuff. However, one type of purchase lets me fool myself, and that is ultimately a bad thing.

I need to learn to think more clearly about my purchases; about what I need and what I want. It isn’t so bad to wait to have a desire or a craving fulfilled. And it wouldn’t be so bad to free up some storage space. Imagine: an empty shelf on the closet that I don’t need to store anything on.

We have reached the end of August, and it very clear here that the seasons are getting ready to change. We may be having extremely hot and humid days, but the nights are cooler and there is a hint of fall in the wind.

There are some early signs of fall to be seen on the trees and bushes. Berries have already started growing:

The maple trees are full of keys:

And there is even a hint of two of fall colours to be seen if you look hard enough:

In a about a week the sumac will turn that lovely fiery red. Soon after that it will be time to bring out the long pants, and I’m sure that in less than two months, I’ll be wishing that we had the heat turned on. In the midst of the summer heat, or the winter cold, it can feel like everything is standing still, but if you look around at nature and really pay attention, the next season is already making itself read.

Life moves pretty fast, as Ferris Bueller says. We do need to stop and look around once in awhile or it will pass us by. Even though I am lucky enough to have a very flexible job that allows for me to work from home whenever I have time, and a husband that also works from home, I often find that there aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish much of anything.

Take my kitchen for example. We moved to our current home a little over three years ago, early in my pregnancy when I was still very ill. My mom was kind enough to unpack my kitchen, but I have never gotten around to setting it up correctly and it gets more disorganized everyday.

But, I suppose when you have a young child there are more important things to worry about than where the meat thermometer is stored. “The days are long but the years are short,” goes the saying.

I try to remember this when Baby Man wants me to get down on the floor to play cars with him, or when he wants to watch the same movie for the eleventy-billionth time. One day, not to far in the future, he will only want to play with his friends and I will have lots of time to tidy out those kitchen drawers.

I think it is wise for me to take some quiet time at the end of the day, like the beautiful summer night I’m enjoying right now, to savory the day and everything about it. The good and bad, the giggles and crying; all of it is because of Baby Man and our great love for him.

Not surprisingly, I’m a bit behind when it comes to the exercises with the Gaian Tarot and the online community. When you have a toddler, life isn’t always what you’d like it to be. And, yeah, that is a bit of an excuse, but it is also true.

Anyway, today I am having a bit of a hard time with the Seeker. I believe in my last post I mentioned that life is a bit uncertain around here. Okay, in all honesty, life is generally always uncertain. But we are waiting for more information and someone else to make up their mind before we make a big decision. A really big decision. And part of the problem is that some people are trying to talk us out of it, some people think it is a great idea, and, well, I just want us to decide one way or the other.

This brings me to the Seeker. She has decided. She is setting off on her journey and heading out into the unknown. I don’t know if she is as afraid as I am, or if she is as excited as I am. What I do know is that I want to be her. I want to take this chance, even if it turns out to suck. I still want to try.

But that leaves me thinking about how I will feel if it doesn’t happen. How can I still accomplish the things I want to accomplish, and what can I do instead?

Right now, though, I’m stuck in this unknowing limbo, unable to do much of anything other than envy the Seeker.

I recently joined the Gaian Tarot Circle, an online community for Joanne Powell-Colbert’s wonderful Gaian Tarot deck. And, although I have hardly dived into it, I already have this feeling of community. I know all the people there love this deck at least as much as I do, and that they are all intent on learning more about the cards and themselves.

Part of the Gaian Tarot Circle is dedicated to a monthly study of one of the cards. And, as befits a new community, the first card is The Seeker. (You can see it here.) In working through the questions for week 1, I came to realize that my emotional response to this card includes fear and trepidation. These aren’t feelings that I have ever had with the Fool card, and in some ways make no sense. The Seeker is a lovely card with a verdant valley and meandering stream. There are swallows in the calm sky and the feeling of a gentle breeze blowing softly across my skin. And yet I feel fear. (As an aside, when I first wrote this out, I typed “free” instead of “fear”. Very interesting, n’est-ce pas?)

The journey through that valley looks like it will take a very long time, and I don’t see any signs of human life. Who will be my companions? Where will I rest? Where can I take shelter if there is a storm? Is the companionship of the fox, a trickster and shape-shifter, enough to sustain me? Is he even meant to be my companion?

I am sure that these unusual feelings conjured by this card are just a reflection of my life right now. It is unsettled due to work questions, mothering a toddler, and continually putting off my dreams (until my contract is up, until Baby Man is older, until we know what we are doing, until I feel better, until I catch up on some sleep, until, until, until).

One of the ladies in the Circle posted a wonderful passage to the forum. It is from Scottish mountaineer William Hutchinson Murray:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

And that, gentle Readers, is what I need to do. I must commit to something and allow the world and myself to get on with the work. But there also lies my fear.

May 25th is World Tarot Day, a celebration of that wonderful wicked pack of cards.

For some fun and games, check out the Church of Tarot. Also be sure to checkout WorldTarotDay on Twitter for more events and information.

My intention, back in March, really was to get this up and running as my spirituality/life blog. But, things have taken a back seat to real life lately. About mid-March I started to feel very run down. Not just a little tired from chasing after my little guy, but like I had no energy at all. This has gone on for over a month now, with some good days and some worse days. I have trouble sleeping, it is often difficult to concentrate, and every day really is just a struggle to push myself through it.

Some Internet research has thankfully ruled out all those biggie diseases that no one wants. Until I’m able to get an appointment with my doctor, who is currently on holiday until early next week, I’m doing my best to get by.

My plans right now focus on my family, of course. But I really want to get my obligation to work fulfilled. That needs to be taken care of so that I can move on to focusing on my health and well being. Most days it is a really struggle to get interested in work, but I do my best. I can’t relax knowing I have work things that need to be done.

I need to keep going, to push my self to do things when I would rather lay on the sofa. Baby Man needs a mama who is healthy and attentive, not a lump who needs to get some sleep. So, blog entries will come when they do, depending on my ability to pull myself together and write something interesting instead of something boring like this entry.

The Wheel is turning yet again, and we have finally entered the lovely season of Spring. We have had some unseasonably warm weather here in Southern Ontario this year, so it hardly feels like we have even had winter. Nonetheless, I’m happy Spring has finally arrived, and I look forward to warmer days, spring flowers, and the inevitable rain.

I will freely admit that I don’t often celebrate the Sabbats, other than in a very private way. There will be no special meal today, no games or eggs for Baby Man. This is partly because I always forgot until the very day, partly because I’m the only one who cares, and partly because I gave blood today and am in no shape to do much of anything. (I’m happy a pizza made it into the oven tonight and that we didn’t have to resort to take-out.)

I wonder sometimes if I am being untruthful by saying I am Wiccan and yet not really celebrating the Sabbats. But, on reflection, I don’t think I am. There is more to following a spiritual path than celebrating the special days. It is about living the tenants of your faith everyday. Do I succeed in that? Not always, but I do my best.

There is something about the images on Tarot cards that enchants me.  It doesn’t matter which deck, the images still call to me, daring me to discover their secrets, and my own. Every time I look at a deck, I learn something new.

Today, I was thinking about The Chariot and Strength. I feel that a corner is turned as we move from card 7 to card 8 (which I always see as Strength).  Take a look at the images on most RWS-based decks and their meanings to see what I mean. In the Chariot we have control of our emotions and the world around us, just as the charioteer has control over his steeds. Some decks show a struggle, but they are ultimately about control.

On the Strength card we see a woman sitting with a lion on her lap. It seems a calm card, but what if we were to see ourselves as the lion and not the woman. It is a card about will power and force, and how we need to learn control over what is fierce and wild, including ourselves. In the Chariot we had a taste of that control, but in Strength it is taken to a new level. And if we can’t exercise control, like the woman, we may find ourselves controlled like the lion. Once we have learned about this control, about the strength of our will, the path of The Hermit calls and offers us a chance to absorb what we have learned.

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of books about happiness.  Some talk about the search for happiness, and some say we already have happiness within ourselves.  One says that we can reach happiness by not complaining (I like that one), and another says that learning to let go of things is the way. And one, my favourite of all, says that we are all divine and that we only need to recognize that to find happiness.

On the surface, all of these books seem to be saying something different.  Do I need to stop complaining to be happy, or do I need to give up want, or do I need to realize I am a goddess?  Well, yes.  The way I see it is if we recognize the divine in ourself, really honestly recognize it, than the other things come naturally.

Think about this: do the gods complain?  No, they go out and change what is bothering them.  Do the gods want? No, because everything and nothing belongs to them.

Okay, we obviously don’t live our lives that way, even the most centered and divinely aware of us.  So, what does that mean for happiness?  For me it means finding a balance, being the change I want to see (as Ghandi says), and knowing at a deep level that the Buddhist teachings are true, like suffering is caused by cravings.  (That has been a big theme in my life lately.)

I’m not sure I am completely in a place in my life to enact the changes I want to make.  Having a toddler in my life makes some things very difficult.  I start the day intending to practice equanimity, but then he accidentally bats on the knee with a chopstick and I begin to lose my temper.  (Hey, it really does hurt a lot.  Baby Man is a strong boy.)  But that doesn’t mean I give up.  I try to reset myself, which is easier some days than others, and move on.  It is important to me to model a way of life that I would like to see my son lead.

Like everyone, I want to find happiness.  I want to find a balance between want, need, and detachment. I want to know at the deepest level that I am special, and that everyone around me is too.  Day to day life gets in the way a lot, but that means I also need to remember that it is in day to day life that I most need to practise these things.